The brighter my light gets, the darker my dark side seems. My capacity to say cruel or mean things feels more vicious, my resentment seems heavier. As we create more polarity within ourselves, the greater the opportunity is for judgement and condemnation to creep in. My positive qualities look down upon my negative emotions with greater force and more disappointment. The fear is greater too as it seems like I have more to lose now, because as I've become this "better" version of myself, slowly my humanity became overridden by a subtle superiority.
When we’ve made progress with an internal journey of healing or becoming a brighter version of ourselves, I think we must be careful not to correlate "better" with perfection, or bypassing our humanity. Just because we learn how to finally embrace courage, compassion and unconditional love, doesn’t mean we won’t experience moments of hurt, anger, fear, despair, rage, hopelessness or apathy. Just because we become more organized or focused, doesn't mean we won't have phases of total messiness, chaos or stagnation. Does anyone else here ever feel revolted at themselves in the actual experience of that? The embarrassment I come up against when I seemingly regress - aka make a perfectly human, understandable mistake - can feel suffocating.
It’s our choice how long we stay in those states though. We don’t need to collapse into them helplessly drowning for days, weeks or years on end. But, we don’t need to fuel the fire by adding judgement over our lower emotions to the mix. Which is SO much easier said than done. Believe me, I’ve been reminding myself of this a lot lately. Some days I feel like I’m gliding in a state of gratitude, kindness, service and love, only to be knocked down ten times harder when I’m triggered and suddenly feel disappointment, doubt or anger.
My anger is especially hard for me to swallow. I beat myself up over the slightest feeling of irritation, so when I'm feeling full on rage towards someone its easy to want to hate myself for it. However, I think it’s starting to sink in how my ego dresses up as my “higher self” to condemn me for it, something that I know the love inside us would never, ever do. That part of me says I should be “above this” feeing by now. That I’m regressing or backsliding, ruining my progress and no better than I ever was. Though maybe part of that is right... who’s to say that feeling more healed some days ever meant I became better or worth more? I didn’t. I was always good enough and perfect exactly as I was, even in my darkest periods.
Our ego and mind are not programmed to see us that way, that’s okay. It doesn’t make their voices true. The goal of any healing I’ve done or will continue to do in my life will not be to become better as if I were some “bad” version if I didn’t. It will be to FEEL better, with myself, with other people, with my work, my body, my home, my free time, my past, present and future. We feel good when we live in alignment with our truth and live equally for the love of ourselves and other people.
If I can feel good in living with the most warmth inside me that I can muster... the kind of warmth that stems from grace, acceptance, patience and integrity, then I think that’s what will matter most to me on my death bed. Which is one of the only moments that matters most in our lives, when we'll be reflecting on the sum total of every moment that lead up to it. We just so often forget to remember it.