I wish I could say that I really truly know what I'm doing with this work, but some days I don't. Lots of days actually. I feel just as lost and entangled in my masochistic nature as I did six or seven years ago when I was at my worst. Today it feels just as stifling, suffocating, infuriating and a bunch of other adjectives I could employ to attempt to scratch the surface of this paradoxical feeling I'm battling. What started out as a blah, apathetic and despondent day, morphed into a sad, angsty and down right emotionally-itchy sort of day. Bruising would have helped I thought, but I was too exhausted to even attempt any mindful self-harm practice today.
The self-trust issue was big on my mind. I'm in hyper overdrive analyzing all of the moments in my past that I must have misinterpreted at the time. Situations I thought were pure love, meaningful, authentic connection, now feel skewed and tainted by the critical voice of condemnation within. I don't even understand why these situations were brought into the forefront of my awareness today, nothing triggered memories specifically. Yet this theme just felt inescapable no matter what I did.
My heart felt numb most of the day, until finally some tears broke through and now it just feels bruised and achey. My head hurts from all the overthinking. My energy and body is at a recent low, feeling so heavy and lethargic I can barely motivate myself to go to the bathroom. Ya feel me? All that being said, I can still hear the other voice inside, that voice of love and kindness.
She told me to take it easy today. To eat as healthy as I could manage, but basically to load up on comfort food because it ain't gonna kill me and my heart needed easy today. I watched a Disney movie, killed hours scrolling through Instagram in bed, cried and went on a drive (not a combination I encourage but let's be real, it happens), told myself numerous times to do the dishes cluttering my sink - which never did happen, and now finally, am writing this ick out.
I'm not usually a fan of this style of writing... overly personal, casual or anecdotal. I prefer to write slightly removed, and with a more informative tone, as I'm usually the first and foremost one in need of the information coming through me. I'm still learning so much about my own inner masochist and sadist, and I need the help as much as anyone else. Which is kinda what infuriates me as to the overall lack of resources, tools or teachers out there in this arena. But they say to write & teach what you most need to learn, so I'll keep with this for that very reason.
Anyways, I think I will keep this series up. Figured it would be a nice change of pace every once in a while to throw some of these more personal, confessional-style blogs into the mix. As always, please feel free to share your experiences, thoughts, comments or questions down in the comments or shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Until next time, x Rachel