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Confessions of a Sadomasochist

I never feel quite as unsatisfied as I do when longing for pain. Physical pain is the type of pain that I usually crave, the sort I long for. Emotional pain is usually the type I'm drowning in, against my wishes or better judgment.

Days like this feel achingly long, painfully dull, downright boring as I daydream of the physical pain I could experience if I had more energy. These are also the days where I resent not being in a relationship or having a partner I love and trust to play with and explore consensual violence together. Is there anything more scrumptious than that? It's a beautiful dream.

I've long stopped asking myself if these thoughts are normal, these desires healthy. I know myself, my needs, my boundaries for safety and love. I don't question these longings anymore. However, that only allows my mind to run wild with impatience and anxiousness that I wish I could alchemize into surrendered, trusting enthusiasm.

The hours pass so slowly on a night like this. The pressure building beneath my skin intensifies the need for an endorphin and dopamine release I can't successfully give myself. I can try (hello there self-harm), but it never fully does the trick. It's always a little disappointing, a close second.

This longing is searing emotional pain engulfing me in white hot flames. You think that would scratch the itch. You think that would be enough. But, not all pain is created equal. This is the pain I resist. As they say... what you resist persists... what you look at disappears.

I have energetic standards and dreams around love that I'm not willing to abandon or compromise on. There is firmness in what I know is possible for me to co-create in my life. So while I am content with waiting for the right person to explore these dark parts with, these days make me pretty fucking frustrated with myself for that soul deep promise. What am I thinking?

I'll do my best to soften into the pressure I feel inside my head and heart, to relax my nervous system in any way I know how. A close second will have to be enough for now. That's okay.

I'll survive this day, as I always do. Somehow. Bored and unfulfilled isn't the end of the world for a day, even two. The winds of change will be here soon enough. I'll trust that to be true.