Confessions of a Sadomasochist

I’ve found that my inner-selves take turns at the helm in chaotic, unpredictable cycles. They attempt to navigate the turbulent waters of my heart and mind by taking turns at the wheel. My inner masochist, inner sadist and higher self (aka my soul) feel harmonious with each other one moment, then viciously lash out at each other the next.


I characterize my inner masochist and inner sadist to give context and a point of reference to these energies swirling inside. While I outwardly “identify” with masochism on emotional, mental and physical levels, I’m consistently growing more and more aware of my inner sadist’s presence as well. They are two sides of the same coin, but I feel one side is dormant while the other lives more within our awareness.


The war that rages between the two feels hopeless some days. Days like today where the smallest thing triggers you out of nowhere and suddenly you feel swept away by a tidal wave of violent anger and despair. Where it feels like you both are and are not yourself, at the same time.


My inner masochist judges the sadist in me. She condemns me when I’m angry and want to blame others. She hates that I even feel petty anger or bitterness, as she deems those “beneath” us... just another way to torture myself when I’m already hurting.


But without true integration of both halves, ☯️ the masochist and the sadist, without acceptance, love, patience, and boundaries around both polarities, I don’t feel whole. I feel torn in two by two contrasting essences both rooted in pain, violence and fear... they simply have different perspectives on how to handle that pain and where to put it.


This is where my soul steps in. Gently guiding, always patient, always forgiving, always reminding me there is something else in me beyond the trigger, the hurt, the fear, or the story I’m so deeply attached to. She doesn’t need me to banish my inner masochist or sadist, but she does need me to stop allowing them to hate on myself or others.

These dark, heavy emotions exist within every one of us, but honestly some days it’s hard to come back to my messy humanness and let that be okay. Maybe one day it'll feel easily acceptable...

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